California Dreamin' Part 1

Chest to Chest

Nose to Nose

Palm to Palm

We were always just that close

Wrist to Wrist

Toe to Toe

Lips that felt just like the inside of a rose

So, how come when I reach out my finger 

It feels like more than distance between us

In this California king bed

We're ten thousand miles apart

I've been California wishing on these stars

For your heart for me

My California king

Eye to Eye 

Cheek to Cheek

Side by Side

You were sleeping next to me

Arm in Arm

Dusk to Dawn

With the curtains drawn

And a little last night on these sheets

So, how come when I reach out my fingers

It seems like more than distance between us

In this California king bed

We're ten thousand miles apart

I've been California wishing on these stars 

For your heart for me

My California king

Just when I felt like giving up on us

You turned around gave me one last touch

That made everything feel better

And even then my eyes got wetter

So confused wanna ask you if you love me

But I don't wanna seem so weak

Maybe I've been California dreaming...

- Rihanna, California King Bed

      He left, and I went upstairs to the empty box of tissues still sitting on my bed. As I looked around my room, I saw what remnants were left of my thoughts before. Scrunched up and stained with black, used tissues thrown scattered along the floor.

     I can't remember how long it's been since I was entirely happy in the last two months. This whole sadness thing has honestly got to stop. It's so draining, and it's just, not me. When I see friends for brief moments in time or worse when I'm with him, I have to mask myself. I have to keep them hidden. I lock them up. I bury them. And then bury them some more. These thoughts, all the thoughts that have been pecking away at my mind so tediously; they peck and peck a little more aggressively. Each hour passes faster than the next as I attempt to bury them deep down inside of me, in hopes that they won't get out. 

     I try to bury them, bury them, deep, deep down, but it's so hard when there's no one to talk to about this. I feel so lonely. I can't say that I've ever remembered feeling like this before. And worse, I don't understand why I'm feeling like this in the first place. I mean, I do. But I'm not exactly sure why I've been feeling how I've been feeling so intensely.

      Flashback to the Second Grade. It's the year 1999. My parents are sending me to a school. It's a  school meant for k-12 graders placed in the city of sin. Such a school was meant to serve one purpose, and one purpose only. And it did, serve its purpose that is. I graduated from the same school as a senior in the year 2010. I was accepted to quite a few amazing schools located all along the east and the west coast. And I graduated that year, with a sense of hope, and eyes full of promise. I was at the monumental brink in my existence; the point at which one's life is supposed to "begin". 

   My life did "begin" or so I thought in the fall of 2010 as a college freshman at Chapman University. I spent one semester made up of six months learning and growing into the person that I am at the moment. Granted, fall of 2010 took place not even a full year ago but I can't honestly begin to describe to you how much those six months of being on my own for the first time changed me. 

   For once in my life, I was freed from my overbearing parents by the California state border line that kept a distance between us. All of my life, my parents had kept such a close watch over me when it came to things that they would allow me to do, to the point where I even felt like some days it was hard to breathe. But for the most part, I followed their rules. For 18 years straight, I went along with what they said, hoping and waiting for the day when I could go off to college and finally just be myself. I know my parents were like that because they were trying to keep me safe, but there comes a point in a child's life where that child needs to be given her freedom so that she might have a change to grow into a remarkable adult. Instead I felt crippled and stunted by their restrictions, and I never felt like it was safe to just live for a little.

   I'm such a strong believer in the idea that one must enjoy one's youth to the fullest while they still can. I believe that the period in everyone's lives in which they experience what it means to be a "youth" should never be wasted. It's a time that is meant to be filled with mistakes, heartbreaks, and adventures so that when the time comes to be an adult, we can laugh at the past and be prepared for the future. I never have felt like I've gotten that chance. The chance to feel alive, to feel young, and wild and free. The chance to roam the streets endlessly with friends as we took in the night time sky and the light infested scenery. The chance to feel the wind flow through my hair as I sat on dampened grass, hand in hand with another, while the sounds of a music festival went running through the air. The chance to get wasted with your friends, and to laugh about the scenes of idle debauchery that occurred the night before. I wanted the chance to live a little, laugh a little, love a little. I wanted the chance to fuck the one I love. I wanted the chance to hold him all night after we fucked without having to worry about some delayed curfew. We'd wake up together in the morning with tender kisses on the cheek, and palms intertwined. 

I wanted the chance to be in an eternal state of happiness for weeks on end because I'm finally able to live the life I want to live, and to see the people that I care to share my time with whenever the hell I want. To be given the chance to enjoy what's left of my youth...and it all came to an end, the chance that I had. Then you came along, and my wishes started all over again.

  

Happy Easter

The Pursuit of Happiness

♥ 

This is me...

If you have happened to stumble upon this blog, I feel a deep need to apologize to you. This blog was going to be my favorite past time but then I fell in to the world of tumblr (dear lord). And I've never looked back. I love that with tumblr there's no need to sit and think about what verses or experiences or phrases that you are going to post. It is utterly spontaneous. Like the mind's collection of personal fancies, cultural whims, and delights galore. Thus I have fallen under the tendency to post photos or quotes onto this blog that allow me to then post them to tumlbr because for whatever reason no one has reposted that picture yet or because their urls don't always work. However, I do encourage you to bear with me if you happen to stop by and view this blog in it's complete distorted state. I have plans to actually turn this into the proper blog that it needs to be very shortly. But until then...adieu for now my loves. This is me. <3

Thank God It's The Weekend ;)

Lost Love

Thank God It's The Weekend

Happy Saturday Everybody <3

I'll Be Your Agent Provocateur..

Hello Daddy! Hello Mom! I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-Cherry Bomb! Part 1

I'm been thinking about sex a lot lately for the last couple of months. Most people don't really think sex is a big deal after they've had it. At least that's what I've heard. I'm still a virgin. I used to be a virgin in all senses of the word: untouched by even my own hand (seriously though, I was just never curious as to how it felt). Out of all of my friends who had boyfriends or had lost their virginity some other way, being one of the few virgins in the group was something that I identified myself by aside from being shy. I was almost proud to say that I'm eighteen years old, and still a virgin. It was as if being a virgin showed that I have self control, self confidence, and self worth.

When my nineteenth birthday came around this year, I was a little worried that I would die a virgin (go ahead, it's okay to laugh haha). I was really into this guy at the time, and I had just found out that he was hooking up with one of my sorority sisters. I had briefly introduced them a while back at a party, but then she left and him and I had continued talking. The conversation flowed, and he asked for my number before I left so I gave it to him. I was too drunk to remember to ask for his back. Needless to say, I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I was a very verry happy girl that night just because he had given me his number.

He was older, so gorgeous, and funny. I love when they are funny! And he even had an artistic side. He's currently studying as an actor at a private college that I attended last semester (more on that later). The point is that I "fell" for him or so I thought because I felt like I had finally found someone intriguing. I actually pictured us hooking up*. I could see myself rustling my hands through his hair as he pulled me in closer for a deep, sensual kiss. I saw our tongues intertwining as our fingers explored our bodies. I barely knew him, and I still found myself envisioning fireworks and cheesy romantic movie montages!!

After that, he would always make sure to come up and say hi whenever he saw me but nothing had really happened between us. Before I knew it, Halloween weekend rolled around, and I had left campus to spend the night with my friends at USC. Hard Haunted was on my agenda. And it was soo much fun! Definitely go if you everrr have the chance!! The week or so after Halloween, my sorority sis, and I went to get dinner in the caf. Now this girl is seriously one of my favorites out of my pledge class. We got pretty close, and my favorite thing  about her was how frank she was about everything. At dinner, we were catching up on how each other's weekends had went when all of a sudden...drum roll please...our actor friend had came up and approached our table.

Like an adolescent preteen that had just met Justin Bieber, I melted..but then I noticed something. He was definitely talking to the both of us, but my friend's smile looked like it was getting bigger and bigger. He then placed his hand on the table, smiled, and ever so slightly looked as though he was rocking back and forth as if to make his..ahem..member the full focus. I knew instantly after he left that they were hooking up. I could just tell. Body language is as revealing as they say.

Later at dinner, my friend confessed to me that they had started hooking up during Halloween weekend. They had ran into each other at a party and he had remembered her from when I had introduced them. He offered to drive her back to the dorms, and the rest is pretty much history. They hooked up the rest of the semester, and I got hear all about it. After a while I realized that he wasn't entirely the guy I had thought he was...my friend revealed to me that he wouldn't commit to just hooking up with her (and who could blame him, he's at a university with a ratio of about 10 pretty girls to 1 decent looking guy) even though they still had this "great connection".  He was too busy hooking up with other freshmen in our dorms and I could see how it was driving her crazy. At first I didn't really understand why she was so upset about it, I mean we are in COLLEGE. It's all about partying and hooking up 24/7, am I right or am I right?? Well not exactly..ha that's how you get stds kiddos, and gross unwanted emotional baggage that distracts you from studying! Until now, thinking about stuff like that would've never crossed my mind...I was all for the RAGE, and living the college experience to the fullest..and admittedly I still kind of am.. just in a more cautious sense, but that's because I had never really hooked up with anyone before.

After listening to my friend's disappointment with her situation, I was sooo relieved that nothing had ended up happening between my actor crush and I. What if I had gotten "too attached" and maybe made a horrible mistake? I'm not upset at how things turned out. The only thing that really bothered me was the fact that I had repeatedly been told by other freshmen how similar my friend and I resembled each other. If we looked so much alike physically, why didn't my actor friend pursue me more than he did? I honestly doubt that it was personality related but maybe it was something more like.. preference for experience. My friend had been in a serious relationship for the last year, while I on the other hand was very fond of enjoying the single and noncommittal life because it made it easier to prevent myself from having sex with someone that I didn't care about. But can guys sense which girls are virgins and which are not??   I'd love to know your thoughts on my question!


After that whole fiasco, I was absolutely sure of the fact that I didn't just want some random meaningless hookup to bring an end to my innocence no matter how old I was..well not entirely ha but I felt strong in my convictions at the time. I loved going to parties and floating around and talking to which ever guy I wanted to without worrying about hurting someone's feelings or feeling like I did something wrong for casually flirting. I loved being free. And as cliche as it sounds, I didn't feel like I needed a boy to make me happy.

But then I met him. Let's call him Thomas for the sake of privacy. 

To Be Continued...



*Guys take note: being able to see yourself with someone in that way is absolutely crucial to girls; if you are trying to hook up with one of your friends, and she keeps resisting, it's because she can't see you in that way, not because she doesn't want to ruin the "friendship." This fact is more often than not always true, unless of course she's married or in a relationship, and if that's the case, then you shouldn't be chasing* after her anywaaays you dirty dog you!

*We liked to be chased. Woo us. It'll make everything more exciting for the both of us! :)

Come back to me.

I want to remember, not to start to forget. It's my last year as an official "teen" queen. I have so many amazing experiences and memories that have yet to be made. I once felt like I was on top of the world. I was at the perfect school, in the best state, with the loveliest weather and the most amazing friends. When it was all taken from me at the beginning of this year, I realized that I hadn't fully appreciated how wonderful life had been. I feel like everything is kind of spiraling out of my control right now, and I need an outlet..someone to talk to, even if they aren't truly listening. I want to record the most memorable experiences that happen to me, so that I never take my life for granted again. My youth feels wasted and yet I still have this sense that it's only the beginning. I want to remember, not to start to forget.