Crevices Filled Up With Water

I have come to the realization with the fact that there is something fundamentally wrong with the way that I approach life.

I’m almost 21. From Vegas, and not single (at least for the moment).

I just moved to California for the first time completely alone about one month ago and it has taken 20+years and being thrust into this place to make me realize that I have deep anxietal issues.

Growing up, I can always remember thinking that life was worse than it was. Sure it wasn’t perfect, but in terms of living a decent life and having a safe childhood, I lucked out. Life was better for me growing up than some adults in the world will experience their entire lives. And it saddens me that no matter how aware I am of this fact or no matter how hard I’m (…paused for a text…) -or how hard I’m trying to be happy with what I’ve got, my immense problem with my life continues to grow.

---Tonight I could not control my insecurities. I saw her name in your phone, listed under “new” and freaked. I freaked so hard even I felt like when I looked at the reflection of myself in the mirror that I had been staring back at a bona fide madwoman. For the first time in my life, I generally felt crazy. I rushed into the bathroom and I couldn't breathe. I locked the door and sat on the floor slowly rocking, convulsing, teeth chattering. He kept asking for me to come out and I wanted to respond but I couldn't find my voice. I didn't want to. I was comforted by believing that that, was it. I was not moving from that spot on the white tiled floor no matter what. He had to pick the lock to get me out. That's what helped snap me back to reality. I still felt shaken after but I had gained consciousness of what I was doing.

 In a strange way, I have always fantasized about being a little “off” but not in the Carrie killing everyone at prom way. I had always fantasized about being a little “off” in the way that Winona Ryder’s character was viewed in the film Girl, Interrupted. I had wanted to come back from the craziness and return to normal in the end when the journey was all over. She was redemptive. And so I’m told that this journey is just the beginning, but I’m not sure others mean it in the way that it’s happening.

I’m sitting here, having to live life. And I am living life to the point of having to face the reality that there is something vastly wrong with the way that I have been experiencing life for the last 20 or so years. You mean there are people out there that actually sit there and for the most part live their lives entirely in an ecstatic mental state? You mean happiness exists past the comfort of buying something new? …And that trying to force my soul into for once feeling full by filling my form of empty crevices with materialistic fashions and self conformity is not something that every one has to go through?...and that it is, god forbid, unhealthy (I’m sorry, I mean God -> I have to put this here because it came into my thoughts. Because I question my existence every goddamn day as I envision how delicate the metal would bend towards my face after coming through the windshield of my car because I asked it to.)

My mind is in constant confliction with itself and the minute I want to give up, the minute I stay in the game because I’m too cowardly when it comes to what might lie beyond it. 

- youthinw

sh*t my roommate does

you never shut up. seriously... i'm all the way across the house, and i can still hear your voice at full volume. i can hear every word in the sentence that you are saying, in the dialogue that you are having, etc. is it really necessary to talk with such self importance all of the time? i honestly don't know how you do it. it's bad enough that you walk around with a stick up your butt on your best day. do you really need to top off your king kong esque attitude with long soliloquies of your self importance? what the fuck happened to you as a little kid that made you so self righteous?? do you realize in your quest to be original that you are a living breathing example of a stereotype that all college students hate? you're the girl that asks questions in class just to hear yourself talk. thank god i've never taken a class with you because if i had, i would have wanted to slam my head against a desk every time you began to open your mouth. i understand that i want to go to bed at a seemingly early time for a college student, and i by no means am trying to govern your sleeping patterns but could you at least have some decency to shut your damn pie hole or at least avoid talking at the top of your lungs while you're having a simple phone conversation so that the rest of us can sleep? seriously, what a bitch. how dare you criticize me for coming home before 1 am on the weekends. sorry i'm not sorry you have no social life. don't take your self misery out on the rest of us by keeping us up during the week when you decide it's okay for you to stay up late. bitch.

...seriously

I feel like you just don't fucking care, and it's just fucking bullshit. I don't fucking understand how I can be around you and you don't make any attempt at all to acknowledge that I'm there. You make me feel like I'm some narcotic psycho. Wtf? I'm tired of feeling like I want you more than you want me. Seriously? This is supposed to be fucking equal and even when I'm this close to being stuck in a different state, you don't give a fuck. Oh I'll visit you on the weekends, I'll take your fucking dream to go to school in California and fuck other hoes and bitches on the side, have them stay at my place while your working your ass off to make a fucking living and then drive out to see you like I fucking care. Seriously? you tell me you love me but gifts don't demonstrate that, guilt is a result of gifts. What the fuck did you do? I love how hard you try to keep me in the car when I'm talking to you and I leave. You really fucking love me. Don't you realize how much I fucking love you?